i'm just getting off an 11 day stint of 24x7 on-call while i covered for my locals/familied/religioned compatriots at work. i actually got bailed out for the NYE, but i can guarantee that i'm about 10x more lit up now than i was then. i got home from work bummed out and cleaned the shit out of my apartment; been listening to lennon and radiohead and polishing off my last bottle of whiskey (currently at an eight out of an estimated 11 shots).
i'm missing my positive influence at work and my friends a lot. i've been trying to figure out what do outside of work since things are settled a bit and i've sorted out the last of my moving affairs. i'm really intersted in writing some erlang for a game, but i just have no idea where to start. i get home from work exhausted and depressed; i envy people who get satisfaction from their jobs because it feels like all i do is fight the trash compactor in a new hope. i fight the losing side in losing battles with predetermined outcomes instead of creating new stuff.
outside of work i have no idea where to begin socially; i've always relied on leaching off my friends to be fulfilled socially -- now i have a few friends, but its just not the same. they aren't the people i fought and bled with, the people i dreamed and cried and won and learned with. we may be intellectually and taste compatible, but they aren't the kids who call me when the cops show up or who let me pass out on their couch at 10am and sleep it off.
in the words of arrested development, i've made a huge mistake. i'm going to stick with it because i truly do find a few minutes a week priceless, but at least in my current position i won't be able to sustain much longer. all i want to do is create beautiful new toys and all i am allowed to do is fix broken old shit. all my work at obliterating financial burdens was annihilated by the car situation; an ironic counter -- i should have just driven it into the harbor, it probably would have been a net profit.
at this point, all i can look forward to is the fact that things can't get much worse and at despite being in a morally indefensible position, at least i'm not at risk of being killed because of my birth or geography. i wish i had a plan to get my shit together (like the fountains of wayne), but right now all i see is the empty bottom of another bottle.
true love lives on lollipops and crisps.
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It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat.
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Theodore Roosevelt
Hey Mark, it's Aaron Loy. I'm sorry to hear things are so down for you. I now live in California (pursuing acting), but just know you still have a friend in me. If you need someone to talk to, pick up the phone. My number is on facebook.
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